a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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