I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
