im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
