If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
