I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I love you.
Bad choice
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