I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
