I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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