I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
