just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
