you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize