discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
