Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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