everyone is single if you try hard enough
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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