I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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