and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
