one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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