Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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