If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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