There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
