I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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