this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
