Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
