You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
