my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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