I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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