I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just want to make out with him forever
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I see more hoeing in ur future
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