Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
