Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
