it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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