Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
