I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
