You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
