I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
