Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
