Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
