but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
