Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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