I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize