Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
