sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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