Sry I called you an 8
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
