I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
