i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
