My first STD was from a foam party
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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