turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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