she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
