dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
