i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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