so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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