I feel like abortions should bother me more
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
