It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
