apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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