She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
