Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
