Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
